Saturday, March 19, 2011

About the Instructor (2011) - 2nd Version



So guys, based on some of your comments and suggestions, I have added more information to my paragraph. What do you think about it now?

I'm Vinicius Lemos. I was born in Brasília in 1976. Last year I traveled to France. I love visiting different countries and learning about other cultures. I have been an English teacher for 16 years or so. On weekends, I go to the park. I go running.Everyone in my family lives in Brasília. My mother lives in Florianópolis. I've been working at Casa Thomas Jefferson since 2002. I work at the Sudoeste Branch. This picture was taken in France last year. It was my favorite place. I visited the Versailles Palace. I have other hobbies, such as dancing hip hop. I like studying languages. I study Italian and Spanish. On Sundays, I visit my grandmother or my father. We have lunch together. I have two brothers and two sisters. They are younger than me. I love my job. I always meet a lot of interesting people every semester. I love traveling. I'm a very happy person.

You've said I included few ideas, so now I have added a lot more information. Is that enough? Take a look at what other classmates have said about the first version and look at this second version again. What else could be done to improve this piece of writing?
Can you give me more specific suggestions this time? You have the power to edit my sentences and ideas! Make your comment and say how you would improve it(post the edited and corrected sentence). You don't need to correct everything but rather a piece of it. This way, everyone will have a chance to contribute!

On Sunday evening, I'll write a third final version based on all your suggestions given this weekend. I'm looking foward to hearing from you!

Vinicius Lemos

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Vinicius,
I think you have included a lot of information in your paragraph, which ones permit me to make your profile in my mind. However, in my opinion the introduction presents two main mistakes:
1) The informations are not well organized in a chronological sequence. For example, you have written you birthday firstly, followed with your trip to France and after you start the discussion about your job. Later you return to discuss about travel. This structure make difficult for the readers understand your message.
2) The second problem is the lack of connectives to link the sentences and ideas, such as and, however, moreover… and in consequence you have written very short sentences with a few words. The connectives is very important to write an good text.
Jerri

Anonymous said...

Hello teacher.

I've read this second version of your introduction. It's more complete than the first one. I liked that you have add informations about your life, about your hobbies activities, and also about your expirience as a teacher. However, I think that it is too long. I guess you have forgotten an important tool: connectives (for exemple: however, that, which, and so). Connectives would help you to link similar ideas and make the text clearer and more objective.
Besides that, I propose you to link similar ideias at the same paragraph, that way the introduction will be less confusing. For instance: I would put all informations about the family subject at the same paragraph or sentence. And also try to do the same thing with the others subjects you have mentioned.

Tuíla

Janaina said...

Hi Vinicius,
I think the introduction have enought informations now. However, I agree with the writers' comments:the paragraph is confusing because the same informations are separated and still needing connectives.For example, the sentences about the travel could be rewrite like that:" I love traveling, visiting different countries and learning about other cultures. Last year I traveled to France and this picture was taken in my favorite place there: the Versailles Palace " instead of being desconnected in the text.
Janaina

Janaina said...

Hi Vinicius,
I think the introduction has enought informations now. However, I agree with the writers' comments:the paragraph is confusing because the same informations are separated and still needing connectives.For example, the sentences about the travel could be rewrite like that:" I love traveling, visiting different countries and learning about other cultures. Last year I traveled to France and this picture was taken in my favorite place there: the Versailles Palace " instead of being desconnected in the text.
Janaina

Anonymous said...

Hi Vinicius,

This time you said many other important things about you and your hobbies and your family in this paragraph, but I think Jerri said everything I was about to say. Your paragraph is like a puzzle. It is not linked, and there is no sequence. You changed the subject quite fast. That lillte words and, so, but..., are very important to make your reader perfectly clear.

Neyane

Vinicius Lemos said...

Hi guys, thanks for all the feedback! I`m so happy to see you`re participating actively in the course! And remember, it`s never too late to start participating!
I wrote my paragraph like that on purpose to call your attention to some very important details! And guess what? You have pointed out exactly what I was expecting!
The ideas need to be related and grouped together. And the reading is much easier and comprehensible if connective devices are used. These are the main aspects I would like you to pay attention to in your first assignment. And remember: the more details you add, the better the paragraph will be. Just avoid writing in excess.

Teacher Vinicius Lemos

Janaina said...

My Introduction
I'm Janaina Rocha Reis. I was born in Bacabal - MA in 1975, but I live in Brasília since 1990, with my family.I'm a dentist and work at SES - DF. I love my job, specially treating children. Actually, I'm studying the Master at UNB and studying anxiety in Odontopediatric patient.My favorite sport is swimming and so, I practice 2 or 3 times a week.On weekends, I like to see a movie and visit friends and family.I like studying English and I'm very glad doing this course.

Anonymous said...

Hello Vinicius,

I think you add the essentials informations to your presentation, but they aren’t well organized.
You start to write about a subject and change to another without finished the subject. For example, you wrote that you was Born in Brasilia in 1976. Imediately, you saied that you traveled to France. And after you write many other things yor return to write about yourself specifically. I think it`s wrong.
I think you have to select the pricipals subjects and to write the informations following this subjects. One example of subject is yours personal caracteristics, another example is your travels.
If you organize your text for kind of subjet, you avoid many problens and the text is more clear for the reader.

Angerico

Thiago said...

Hello to everybody....

The CTJ forgot to send me the email to start this course but finally I'm in.

Vinicius, I think you wrote enough informations for we know you better, but for a complete profile, you should add if you're sigle or married, what are your expectations about the future, what your favourite soccer team, etc...

Like others, I think you wrote the informations in such an order that became them confusing.

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